April 17, 2024
Cyborg Name Generator
Earlier today came across the The Cyborg Name Generator and here are the results from Gadget17 & M3TZO
G.A.D.G.E.T.1.7.: General Android Designed for Galactic Exploration and Troubleshooting
M.3.T.Z.O.: Machine Trained for Zealous Observation
March 07, 2024
What Pre-1985 Video Game Character Am I?
I am a Base-defender.
What's mine is mine, and I make sure everyone knows it. Nobody invades my space without permission - I'd destroy everything I own before letting someone take it from me. I tend to be forward-facing, which is both a strength and a weakness. What Video Game Character Are You?
December 22, 2003
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
4 large eggs
1 bottle of Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of sugar
Lemon Juice
Nuts
1 can of Red Bull
Method (Click Continue)
1. Sample the Vodka to check quality
2. Take a large bowl, check Vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little Red Bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5 Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.
8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn of the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor.
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the Vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or somtething ... Who gives a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor.
18. Check the Vodka.
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, r somefink. Whatever you find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
December 20, 2003
Jokes
Q. What did Saddam say when he was found?
Click Continue to Find Answer and some more Jokes
A. "Did I beat David Blaine's time?"
Drinking buddies without cash...
Fred and Bill fancied a beer or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 cents.
Bill said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Fred said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all,'
Bill replied,"Don't worry -- just follow me," He went into the bar where he immediately ordered two beers and two shots of Whisky.
Fred said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Bill replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Bill said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth bar Fred said; Bill I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm stone drunk and my knees arekilling me!
Bill replies How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.
Fiancee
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Her First Visit
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
How's Business?
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irrate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify.
The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"
She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!"
Qualified Man
A woman posts an adv in the news paper that looks like this...
"Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed."
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell,didn't I?"
Rudolph's a Female?
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known.
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost
A Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Applying For Social Security
A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."
A Man, His Wife And The Cop
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
New Cellular Phones
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand.
He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.
The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
The Genius SHEPHERD
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a SHEPHERD standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The SHEPHERD replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Company Condoms
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. But more importantly, imagine the slogans...
Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it...
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
McDonald's Condoms : Things that make you go mmm..........
Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
A telephone company fired their president after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not the president who's lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for a mint! The boy allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." Also, a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. The school principal reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas convenience store and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Thanksgiving Prep
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........
And then he stuffed the turkey.
Oops...A Phone Call
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
The Afflicted
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
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God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
"You know, woman to woman."
A Temporary Solution At Best
I've been dating my girlfriend for a long time, and it's no secret that she's knockout beauty. And even though I'm delighted to have such a good-looking girlfriend, it was a big problem when we began dating each other.
Every time I saw her, I'd get a massive erection. There was nothing I could do to control it. It just happened!
Obviously, I didn't want to have this happen when I picked her up for our first date (at least not until after dinner). So I decided to tie my penis to my leg with a rope. I tied that thing down TIGHT, too.
It would've worked great, but unfortunately my girlfriend answered the door in a sheer teddy. There was nothing I could do to control it: I kicked her right in the face!
Spice Up Your Marriage
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
Three Friends' Funerals
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one
Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"
The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Fast Turtle
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is very fast."
"No turtle is fast," replied the bartender.
"OK," said the man. "Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room where it narrowly misses the bartender and smashes into the wall.
"Told you it would be there before your dog."
The Keen Texas Salesman
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.
"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22- foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
Cyborg Name Generator
Earlier today came across the The Cyborg Name Generator and here are the results from Gadget17 & M3TZO
G.A.D.G.E.T.1.7.: General Android Designed for Galactic Exploration and Troubleshooting
M.3.T.Z.O.: Machine Trained for Zealous Observation
What Pre-1985 Video Game Character Am I?
|
I am a Base-defender. What's mine is mine, and I make sure everyone knows it. Nobody invades my space without permission - I'd destroy everything I own before letting someone take it from me. I tend to be forward-facing, which is both a strength and a weakness. What Video Game Character Are You? |
December 22, 2003
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
4 large eggs
1 bottle of Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of sugar
Lemon Juice
Nuts
1 can of Red Bull
Method (Click Continue)
1. Sample the Vodka to check quality
2. Take a large bowl, check Vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little Red Bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5 Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.
8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn of the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor.
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the Vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or somtething ... Who gives a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor.
18. Check the Vodka.
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, r somefink. Whatever you find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
December 20, 2003
Jokes
Q. What did Saddam say when he was found?
Click Continue to Find Answer and some more Jokes
A. "Did I beat David Blaine's time?"
Drinking buddies without cash...
Fred and Bill fancied a beer or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 cents.
Bill said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Fred said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all,'
Bill replied,"Don't worry -- just follow me," He went into the bar where he immediately ordered two beers and two shots of Whisky.
Fred said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Bill replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Bill said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth bar Fred said; Bill I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm stone drunk and my knees arekilling me!
Bill replies How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.
Fiancee
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Her First Visit
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
How's Business?
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irrate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify.
The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"
She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!"
Qualified Man
A woman posts an adv in the news paper that looks like this...
"Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed."
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell,didn't I?"
Rudolph's a Female?
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known.
Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost
A Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Applying For Social Security
A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."
A Man, His Wife And The Cop
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
New Cellular Phones
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand.
He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.
The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
The Genius SHEPHERD
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a SHEPHERD standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The SHEPHERD replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Company Condoms
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. But more importantly, imagine the slogans...
Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it...
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
McDonald's Condoms : Things that make you go mmm..........
Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
A telephone company fired their president after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not the president who's lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for a mint! The boy allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." Also, a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. The school principal reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas convenience store and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Thanksgiving Prep
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........
And then he stuffed the turkey.
Oops...A Phone Call
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
The Afflicted
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
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God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
"You know, woman to woman."
A Temporary Solution At Best
I've been dating my girlfriend for a long time, and it's no secret that she's knockout beauty. And even though I'm delighted to have such a good-looking girlfriend, it was a big problem when we began dating each other.
Every time I saw her, I'd get a massive erection. There was nothing I could do to control it. It just happened!
Obviously, I didn't want to have this happen when I picked her up for our first date (at least not until after dinner). So I decided to tie my penis to my leg with a rope. I tied that thing down TIGHT, too.
It would've worked great, but unfortunately my girlfriend answered the door in a sheer teddy. There was nothing I could do to control it: I kicked her right in the face!
Spice Up Your Marriage
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
Three Friends' Funerals
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one
Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"
The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Fast Turtle
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is very fast."
"No turtle is fast," replied the bartender.
"OK," said the man. "Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room where it narrowly misses the bartender and smashes into the wall.
"Told you it would be there before your dog."
The Keen Texas Salesman
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.
"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22- foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "